on life, among other things

[moonrusts]

posting so i hold myself accountable to take charge of my own life and start living it better? tired of wallowing in anxiety, self-pity, depressed soup.

the things i'm having trouble with and how i hope to solve them

• quarantine weight-gain: been saying for a long time i need to do something about it and then doing nothing about it, but i think it's high time. because now i'm not just treading the line of feeling uncomfortable in my body, but also that the weight gain is raising health concerns, and i live alone in a country thousands of miles away from my family, and getting me sick will affect them mentally too. thankfully exercise is the easy part of it because i know what i enjoy and how to incorporate it into my routine. my bigger issue is with food, as it always has been. i need to sit down and figure out how i'm going to eat healthy, meet my macros while also making sure i have a deficit.
• many feelings of unease: i just think i've been trying to find and understand the kind of person i am and want to be for a while without actually actioning anything. i think i need to sit down with myself more often, check in and breathe. used to meditate and do calming yoga before sleep everyday, but for some reason i stopped that habit. it's probably time to revive it now. also need to re-start journaling to help get these thoughts out of my brain and into a tangible form so i can be reminded to work on myself, little by little, and slowly become the person i wish to be.
• social life: this one is definitely hard for me given multiple reasons (body dysmorphia, social anxiety, overthinking, low people battery etc) i try and avoid social interaction desperately and deliberately, but on the flip i really don't want to be lonely. and now that i'm graduating in a few months, i've been hit with the realization that as someone who's ft job is going to be working from home, it'll be harder for me to make friends, given most of my friendships have come from being adopted into uni friend groups, and i won't have that kind of exposure anymore, meaning i'll have to be more intentional about new friendships as well as old. i need to keep up with my friends, make sure they know how much they mean to me, and take extra effort to meet and spend time with them. [redacted] coming over was a huge help given she's such an extrovert and since she's part of most of my friend groups, i got to meet a lot of friends i hadn't met in a while. also asked a close friend on a lunch date since she's graduated and i wanted to congratulate her so i'm excited for that! need to keep doing it (been going out on many friendly dates w my roommate as well, which has been nice). i did turn down a dinner with like 10 odd people today even if i wanted to meet up w some of them bc i got overwhelmed, need to slowly work on this.
• work: maybe it's the pressure of knowing that this is the team where i want to ask for a full time conversion, i feel like i'm always walking on eggshells at work — refusing to ask for help, feeling guilty and overwhelmed but also feeling like i'm not doing my best. need to start believing in myself a little more, giving myself some space, asking for help and also focusing and not getting distracted.
• school: i'm so very close to the end, but i still feel restless and anxious at ever turn. procrastination, which i'd managed to beat for so long, has returned to me as i become more and more emotionally uninvested and frankly tired of the courseload. the need to give up is huge, but the need to get a distinction on graduation because i believe that's the only way to prove myself to everyone is unsurmountable. so big that i feel like i've made it larger than the world? but now i've committed myself to it. idk. i don't think i've gotten over my burnout since april 2021, because i haven't had a single break. i don't think i will until i graduate either. just need to get through this and !! stop !!! panicking !!! so much !!! god how many more anxiety attacks till it ends?

anyways. that's what i want to change about life. curious to know (if anyone even is reading this post) what you guys have been up to? i hope 2022 is treating everyone kindly and giving everyone time to heal from the past several years. thinking about my family everyday, can't wait for the day i can meet them again.